10 Tips to Outlive the Living Dead

Face it guys, it's going to happen - the dead are going to come back and start munching on the living. That many films don't lie, they're not fiction, they're prophecy I tell you, gospel truth.

When it happens, when the mouldering corpses are chasing you down the street and every second is a struggle to survive, then this little guide may just save your life. Damn, even if it doesn't save your life and you end up as food for the maggot factories then at least you'll have fun on the way there.

We've culled the annals of zombie movies, and our own sick imaginations to tell you 10 ways how best to survive an outbreak of zombie-itis

1/ Don't trust the black guy. It isn't that he is evil, just that he is possessed of an annoying gift when it comes to surviving zombies. He'll end up on a desert island sipping mango juice with your girlfriend at his side. You'll end up as chow for the walking corpses. Day of the Dead, Dawn of the Dead, the evidence is all there - the black guy gets the girl, you get killed.

2/ Being athletic can save your life. Everybody knows that real zombies can't run, so you've got one big advantage if you can. Train, work-out, take steroids - you need to be able to run like an olympic athlete and leave the mouldy maggot factories eating your dust.

3/ Drink heavily. Be constantly drunk. It probably won't help keep you alive, but at least you'll have a laugh and it will hurt less when you get eaten. And, make sure you get your supply of booze from small pubs and corner shops - we all know that just about every zombie out there will be hanging around the malls and supermarkets.

4/ Wood is good. Well, trees are. Take a leaf out of the tree hugging hippies book and build a little base high up in the trees of a forest. Zombies can't climb. You don't have to worry about waste disposal as you can just crap or piss over the edge of the platforms (you can even make a fun game of this and award points for dousing an undead vicar in a shower of shit). Become like a monkey, take to the trees, and you are sorted.

5/ If your buddy ever gets bitten then don't ever think for a moment that you chopped off his arm/leg/dick/whatever just in time to stop him being infected. You didn't, you never can. Give him a few hours and he'll be trying to munch your brains. Do him a favour and shoot him now. If you are being chased by zombies, shoot him in the leg and escape while they stop to eat him.

6/ After an outbreak of zombie plague, anyone in a uniform is instantly overcome with an urge to become Adolf Hitler, or Rambo, or both. Avoid the military like the plague. They'll get you killed, and if they don't manage that they will fuck up and shoot you by mistake.

7/ Zombies are slow*, zombies are stupid. They shamble along at a snails pace. Why in gods name do you want to hole up in a supermarket or a bunker and give them time to surround you? Open plains where you can see for miles around are the way to go. Get yourself some binoculars, and stay in the open where you can see the zombies an hour before they get to you. If you do feel compelled to take refuge underground, at least choose a pubs beer cellar.

8/ Break into a museum and steal yourself one of those big, clunky suits of metal armour. We've already established that zombies are stupid, so there's no way they would figure out how to use a tin opener. They'll just break off all their teeth gnashing at the armour, leaving you unharmed.

9/ Choose your companions wisely. A black dude will get you killed and end up with your missus. A guy in the military will go all rambo. Fat people can't run fast so will slow you down (but, on a brighter note, all that meat will keep the zombies eating longer). Ideally, you want a hyper fit, stunning blonde in the 20-30 age bracket who is skilled with guns, cooking, and has had medical training. And who is horny as feck and can't get enough of you.

10/ Money becomes worthless, so you will need a stock of goods to trade with other survivors. Ammunition is good, food is good, but both can be quite heavy to carry. Consider a few pornographic magazines instead - they are light, and with few people around to mate with any survivors who aren't into necrophilia will be in need of some good wanking material.

*Many of you may have noticed a disturbing trend lately for rapid moving zombies who can run like Ben Johnson with a rocket up his arse. Despite this not being fair on us talking delicatessens, it's happening. In the event of running zombies you may wish to consider ignoring some of these ideas and finding a snug bolthole in which to hide. Feck, you're gonna die anyway, so why wear yourself out trying to race against zombies who move faster than a greyhound on steroids?